COLUMBUS DISPATCH HEADLINES:
January 8, 2008: Ohio State loses big to LSU. Now 0-9 vs. SEC teams.
It happened...again! Enough said.
When asked why he chose to stick to a gameplan that did not stand a chance against a speedy Florida team last year, Jim Tressel replied, "I believe in dancing with the one who brought you. I wanted to beat them by playing the same way that got us to this championship game—with some good, hard Big Ten style football. In hindsight, maybe it was the wrong decision."
Somewhere in heaven the late, great Ohio State supporter Jimmy Neutron cries once again today.
January 15, 2008: Ohio State Applies for Membership in the SEC.
It's just been a week and already the fallout from Ohio State's 4th quarter collapse against the LSU Tigers has begun. In a surprise move and in the spirit of "if you can't beat them—join them," the Athletic Director of Ohio State University has formally applied to become a member of the SEC. The Big Ten had initially filed a protest until the SEC reciprocated by offering a two-for-one deal packaging Mississippi and South Carolina.
Hesitant at first, the Big Ten director accepted, reasoning that the Big Ten will now have 12 teams and the potential to earn some much needed respect among its conference peers by adding a conference championship game. The SEC officials were giggling as they left the room saying, "I can't believe they fell for it. We traded two cellar-dwellers for a team that will be average in the SEC. Now we only have 11 teams—[chuckle, chuckle]—no more curs-ed championship game, now we can back a team into the National Championship game every year." The situation was explained delicately to South Carolina and Mississippi, but neither team minded because they will now both have a shot at winning seasons and bowl games.
Sensing the end of his gravy train, Jim Tressel pleaded his case to the Big Ten admin, "Really, we're gonna beat them this time." But in response he was told, "We've trusted you for seven years now, just as we had the coaches before you, and we just can't take your word for it anymore. We hope you can understand."
January 16, 2008: Jeff Foxworthy takes to the airwaves to taunt Buckeye fans.
The young comedian and recognized authority on rednecks, Jeff Foxworthy, caused quite a stir in the Columbus community today when he visited a local radio station to promote his Blue Collar Comedy tour. What was supposed to be a short preview of his "You might be a redneck" shtick, morphed into an outright taunting of the people whose psyches still have not mended since the events of the past couple of weeks.
Calls from enraged and outraged Buckeye fans poured immediately into the station. The OSU Athletic director issued a statement characterizing the comedian's remarks as being "in poor taste," to which Mr. Foxworthy responded, "Hey, y'all—I just call 'em like I see 'em."
The following is a short excerpt of Mr. Foxworthy's heinous diatribe:
"If your team hasn't beaten an SEC team in a bowl game—EVER...you might be a Buckeye." He then adds, "Heck, even Vandy wins one in the SEC every once in a while."
"If your Alma Mater was written in 1902 on the train ride home, after the worst loss your team has ever suffered, to your most bitter rival Michigan 86-0...you might be a Buckeye." [muttering under his breath] "...memorializing a butt-whipping—wow, that's pathetic."
"If you consider a 33-14 win against a 4-9 Washington team even remotely comparable to a 48-7 LSU whipping of an 11-2 Virginia Tech team...you might be a Buckeye."
"If you have to resort to rubbing necklaces made of barely-edible chestnuts because you 'think it will help'...you might be a Buckeye."
"If you consider flipping off the winning team's bus as they leave the stadium, your state bird...you might be a Buckeye."
"If every time you get a Woody, you can't help but reminisce about college football...you might be a Buckeye."
And finally, "If the conference you constantly label as "overrated" went 7-2 in bowl games and whipped your butt again this year...you just might be a Buckeye."
This reporter is, frankly, appalled.
January 21, 2008: In a surprise move, OSU Chancellor decides Ohio State coaching position to be decided by popular vote.
The Chancellor at Ohio State University announced the controversial decision today that the coaching position at Ohio State University would no longer be a hired position decided upon by school officials, but rather an elected position decided upon every two years by the students, boosters, and fans of the University.
When asked why he made this decision, he explained that all of the correspondence he has received from boosters and fans in the last couple of weeks is chock full of advice about how to better prepare for next year and what kind of players Jim Tressel needs to recruit in order to compete with our friends from the South. He reasoned that since the fans seemed to have all the answers that OSU has been searching for all these years, they should be involved in the decision making process and should be able to choose their team's leader. Off the record, the Chancellor also noted that he could not be blamed if fans elected a coach who then lost to the SEC again.
When contacted, Jim Tressel said, "I am confident that I will be re-elected as coach. I stand by my moves and my record speaks for itself." Tressel then conceded that he has tried to convince newly retired Michigan coach, Lloyd Carr, to be his running mate in order to boost his chances, noting that Lloyd's 5-2 record against SEC teams also speaks for itself.
I was ASKED to do this by an Ohio State Fan. He said take your best shot...so I did.
Please keep your comments above board and intelligent. If you can't do that...at least keep them clean. Enjoy!
Oh, and Buckeye fans...Don't forget to cast your vote!
